MY GIFT TO HER - lauren becker


lauren becker

It was fucking freezing inside. I threw a Duraflame on. The genius who designed the house put the fireplace between the entryway and a wall of built-in bookshelves. The kids fought to sit in the narrow area of carpet in front of the fire. There was no heat otherwise. Doug turned off the pilot light. I wore a turtleneck, two sweaters, sweatpants, a couple pairs of tube socks, and my fake Wal-Mart Uggs. Green sweater on top for Christmas.

It felt warmer outside. Todd and Cheryl threw iceballs at each other. Todd got Cheryl in the face. "Mommyyyyyy." I went inside to check the ham. She needs to learn. Girls always lose.

Fruit salad for dessert. Todd's favorite. Canned peaches, canned pears, maraschino cherries. I'd add Cool Whip later. Green beans in mushroom soup with canned fried onions for Doug. The last trailer trash dinner I'd make him.

I wished he were original enough to fuck someone other than his secretary. She sent me pictures of her shoving a dildo up his ass. I put copies in his stocking. Along with divorce papers and a candy cane. Merry Christmas, dickhead.

Lauren Becker
One Christmas Wish:

To be less scatterbrained, more patient, effortlessly thin, to have a housekeeper, new carpet, a better computer, to see my nieces and nephew more often, to go to Barcelona.

I'm Jewish. I get eight. Happy holidays.