WHAT FACEBOOK UPDATES REALLY MEAN
Billy's joints are hurting
Billy's putting a hurting on a joint since his wife Donna slammed his fingers in the car door, accidentally so she says, but we all know what that beeyotch is like. Got no insurance so it's finger-sucking, band-aids, and cannabis, and by the end of the night when Billy's fingers are purpling he'll go to the clinic and sit in line with the other poor people who don't speak the King's English, a little boy hacking a lung into a paper bag and a triumvirate of drag queens with runny stockings and false eyelashes holding their sister up and propping her snapped ankle. Billy can see up her skirt oh god he can see up her skirt he closes his eyes and feels his heart throb in his fingers.
Michael is shattered
Sh-doobie. His girlfriend said they should see other people, which means she has someone picked out already and even though he bought a Bowflex and runs 25 miles a week and reads books on how to perform cunnilingus, it's just not enough. He stood in front of the bathroom mirror and practiced his tongue action for nothing. He got drunk in a titty bar in Atlanta and overpaid for a lap dance from a girl with no body fat and a muskmelon chest, which meant nothing. He staggered out blindly and got a parking ticket. He fell to his knees in the gutter. It began to rain. He drunk-dialed her, then dropped the phone in the street before he could speak. Sh-doobie.
A Peculiar Grace